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Beth Styles
New York, USA
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Unexpected Connections: Finding My Birthparents
At a very early age, around four years old, my parents told me I was adopted. Both my older brother and younger sister were also adopted, each of us from different birth parents. As teens we started wondering about our birth families and spoke about possibly searching for them but were too scared to actually go through with it. Every now and then, my sister would raise the question that perhaps we should try to search for them, but I always said no.
In my early twenties, my music career began to take off. I went to Israel to promote a record I had recorded and there I succeeded in having two of my songs get on the radio and make the charts. I also got the chance to perform with Efraim Shamir, one of the most beloved singer songwriters in Israel. We became great friends and professionally, through his coaching and example, he helped me connect more deeply with my audiences. In my personal life, Efraim encouraged me to take The Landmark Forum to see what new things might open up in my life.
Some Unfinished Business
One of the discussions in The Landmark Forum involves the importance of resolving unfinished business we may have in our lives with family, friends, and with ourselves. The idea is that if you can honestly come to terms with your past, it will better enable you to create a future for yourself that isn't based on avoiding the past.
As I listened to our instructor talk about the freedom and joy that comes from making peace with others and ourselves, I began to see that there might be a reason to find my birth parents, but I was deeply afraid. It was entirely possible that my birth parents might be people I would never want in my life, or similarly, they might not want to know me. I loved my adopted family and felt very safe and secure in that love. I didn’t want to rock the foundations on which my identity was based.
But, I began to realize that I could face my fears and in so doing, I could move forward in my life knowing how my life connected to others in the past. If nothing else, I wanted to thank my birth parents for giving me life. When I returned to the U.S., my sister, Amy, told me she decided to search for her birth parents and suggested I might want to do the same. This time I said yes.
A Journey Worth Making
The process moved quickly. My birth mother was delighted to hear from me. She had lived just 20 miles from me on Long Island, New York, while I was growing up. My birth father was also happy to hear from me. They had been too young to assume the responsibilities of raising a child, so they had put me up for adoption.
Eventually, they had both married other people and had families, so I had quite an extended family. One of the greatest gifts was finding out that many of my family members were musicians or artists, so we shared a common bond. I had found the source both of my creativity and the answers to so many questions I had longed to know my whole life. It opened the door not only to these wonderful people I wouldn't have known, but also connected me to my music in a deeper and fuller way.
A Richer Fabric
Today I have a great relationship with my different sets of families. I’m so glad my sister encouraged me to find my birth parents, and grateful that the fear of something unknown no longer calls the shots in my life.
Beth Styles is an Arranger/Producer and professional keyboard player. Along with producing singer songwriters and scoring video and film, she has toured in the U.S. with many famous 50's artists
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